Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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