My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
