I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
