guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
