So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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