if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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