I'm laying in your front yard are you home
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize