I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
