woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
