You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
