May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
