you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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