Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize