It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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