Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
