she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
