bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
