He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
