I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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