so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize