he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
