feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
