I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
