if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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