got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
