Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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