Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
