I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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