I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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