I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
