Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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