I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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