I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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