So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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