I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
