Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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