i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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