I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
