You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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