my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
