There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
