I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
