and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
