so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
