Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
