I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
God, I missed his penis.
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