It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
