i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
