you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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