My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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