I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
