So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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