No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
