u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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