When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
wow bdsm is so cute
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
