Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
