I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
