between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
