First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
