just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i will never coherently bang her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
