I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
